No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
