I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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