i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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