remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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