I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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