I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
