What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
