Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
