why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
