I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I need water and some morals
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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