I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
