Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The best revenge is premature balding
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
