i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
