five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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