My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
