my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
