That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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