Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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