my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
