Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I smell stomach acid.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
me + whiskey = a bad person
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
