I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
