I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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