when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
