Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
