Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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