see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
