he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
