Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
