i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
