just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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