"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
