mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
