Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
