i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
