I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
