my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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