OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
