You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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