I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
