My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
