Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
