why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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