I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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