so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
