We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He has the fingertips of a God
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