happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
