i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
