First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
