I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
