I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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