I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
