His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
